the business of creating

My chronic disease is distrust.
Mostly in myself. And in the kind of stuff that is important.
I hold everything out at arm's length and no matter how great or
grand something is, I repel it.

This year has been tough, to say the least.
And usually I'm not one to dwell to much on a new year, but
this year I feel fearful and very apprehensive.
I feel small and insignificant.

I don't know if I'm ready to dust the dirt off my bottom, hold
my chin up, and get started all over again.
Right now I just want to curl up and cry.

I like the pain. It is familiar. A punishment kind of.
I'm on a "woe is me" kick. I really did want things to work
out. But its like everything good is swerving away from me.

I keep reminding myself it is time to grow. To be excited.
And to be really, really happy. A time to do it right and get things
done. To be myself and stop apologizing for it. Do the right things
and love it.

But right now, a box of tissues and chocolate-covered
pretzels are going to keep me company.

And tomorrow, I'll do the whole goal-happy thing.