I am Divorced and it hurts.

It has taken me about three days to get up the courage to write this post. I wanted to blog because I wanted to write about the pain I was going through. And I wanted to talk what I was learning as I dealt with the greatest pain I've ever experience. But even within the safety of my own blog, I found I couldn't really talk about it. I'm so scared of being labeled. It is easier to pretend it never happened and focus simply on being happy.

Let me tell you my story.

I'm 22 and I'm divorced. That word still makes me tear up and sting inside. I was married in the Idaho Falls Temple and if you don't know we Mormons take marriage very seriously. To sum it up simply, most marriages performed are for time only, meaning the couple is together only for the time while on this earth. It is temporary. However, we believe that temple marriages are for time and eternity and that families can be together forever by sealings. It is a very permanent, serious, and sacred thing. Marriage is not to be taken lightly.

I was married last year. Only a year ago. I was so happy when I became engaged, thrilled to have someone who wanted to be with me for eternity. It was a fast courtship having only dated about 3 months. I believed that this was my one chance for happiness and a family. That happy feeling lasted for about a week. I woke up one morning suddenly nervous and sick, but too ashamed to call off my engagement. I thought no one would ever love me again. I was sure we could make it work. We loved each other after all. I plastered a smile on my face and went through the motions of planning a wedding. In fact, I drowned myself in flowers, lace, and tulle trying to muffle out the sickness and nagging doubt, something we call the Holy Ghost.

My wedding was beautiful. It really was. No big catastrophe happened that day. The weather was gorgeous and my family was all there. I remember asking myself if I was excited. I know now that I wasn't but I did a heck of a job convincing myself that it was going to be the best day of my life. I was full of hope for the future. Marriage was beautiful. I genuinely believed that we could make it work.

It didn't work.

I didn't understand. I prayed, fasted, attended the temple, talked with my bishop and counselors and knew that the only thing I needed was the courage to step out. Our relationship was sick and very unhealthy in all aspects. It was affecting me in the worst ways. I felt my Savior's love as I struggled through understanding repentance and pride and taking the steps I needed.

I moved home. When I think about the love I received from my mom and dad it breaks my heart. They too were struggling to understand, their hearts breaking, yet they were a support to me and greatly needed by me. I thank God for their understanding and love. I felt so liberated there. So light and filled with peace. I knew that my Savior would take care of me. I knew everything, somehow, would work out for the best. He loves me beyond my understanding. I may never marry again, but I know that joy comes from doing His will. (I know that if He had told me to stay and work it out, it would have worked. He has the power to heal broken and sometimes seemingly irreparable things, but in the case of my marriage it wasn't to be.)

There is a great deal of pain in life. Divorce hurts. As do other sufferings. But I believe that there is also a great deal of happiness to be found in the pain. Mine comes from knowing that I have a deeper and more personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know that I have yet a great deal to learn from my experience (thats what you get with disobedience), but I want to send a grateful note to those who have helped me, and to those who have loved me despite my terrible shortcomings. I am grateful for those who encourage me everyday. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I'm really not the greatest with words. Most times I really struggling in trying to write down my thoughts. However, I found it to be a relief to write about the happiness I experience in creating my new life with the knowledge I have gained from my life changing experience. I am in the business of creating something worthwhile, something with love and joy, and something by doing the right thing.

And I'm grateful for those who take the time to read my business. You are my new friends, and part of my new life. I love you.