Less Stress

Last night a total of seven little demons were killed-

six by the amazing sticky things and one by jabbing paper.
My skin feels crawly just thinking about how many more are out
there.

I am amazed at those of you who have full time jobs and are still
able to blog. I feel that this summer there has been so much unsaid
and really no consistency to this blog. I run around from place to
place. I find myself in several different locations: Canada, New York,
and Alaska; and trying to spend as much time as I can with the Mr. Man
I just don't get to write on my blog much. It makes me feel disorganized.
Heck, I've been meaning to write about New York for a month and a half
now. I have a few pictures edited, but I'm not done.

My job makes me exhausted. I have to work my own hours which is
nice in some ways, but at the same time I run around dropping kids
off, picking them up, listening to their problems, worrying about the
struggling ones, talking to moms, giving advice that I have no experience
to back up with; needless to say by the end of the day I'm pooped.
I just want to curl up with the Man, watch The Office, and eat.

I interviewed for my dream job last week: art teacher, specifically pottery.
I love pottery. Everyone should try pottery once in their life. It is a must!
But, alas, I always kersplat! on interviews. I really need to take classes.
Everyone: if you are still in college, study for interviews!
It was heartbreaking for me. I want to teach so bad and I have to wait
who knows how long to get the job that I studied four years for.
Pity party for Kendra.

I've decided that I need to relax.
I take things way too serious and get stressed out about everything.
So what if I don't work 40 hours a week? I make enough to support me.
So what if I dislike my job? Everyone else does.
So what if I'm 15 lbs overweight? My body does what it is suppose to do.
(Although, I have been working out (just a little). I tried Jullian this morning.
Not bad. My body was shaking by the end. I made a goal this week if I get
down to a number with a zero on the end I get to go by a necklace. I love jewelry.)
So what if I don't get everything done on my list? I want to have a good day
everyday.

My new attitude is to focus on the important things to me. The things that
bring me joy. In conclusion: more working out, more photography,
more time with my man, more smiles, more dropping everything and
doing things I want, more reading my scriptures, less stress and worry.

Maybe a bit more blogging, who knows?

Yay!

Genius, genius

Probably the most genius thing I've ever done
has been to put tweezers in my car.
{image}

I never notice I have a forest growing until I am in the
car, far away from my make-up bag, and most likely late
for something. But never again will my eyebrows
be uncultivated; I have now perfected the
art of plucking my eyebrows while waiting at lights, which I
do a lot of throughout the day. My "kids" even tell me when
the lights turn green. It's like a game to them.

I talk way too much about unsightly hair on this blog.

Silence

Two years ago to this date I was getting married.

....

I keep waiting to be emotional about it but I am so... happy.
It feels like it was 10 years ago. I feel like I know things that
I shouldn't know till I'm 30 or something. I feel different but stronger.

I attribute a lot of that to someone who has made my life
crazy awesome and surprises me daily with his insight and thoughtfulness.

But I've had to think about my marriage a lot lately. Something that
gets me down and makes me extremely emotional.
Honestly, the thing I wish I had the skills
to accurately describe is the silence.
I feel like I should capitalize that. It feels like a proper noun.
I want to emphasize how prominent and alive it was in our marriage.
I'd almost say it yelled.

I think the loudest silences are those that are
filled with everything that has been said
--said wrong, said thousands of times.

It happens when fighting becomes the condition rather than the
exception and the only option is a silent retreat to mutual corners.

Silence so permeable that it chokes and suffocates if one breathes
too much. And you have no idea what words could unwind everything
because words become so small and weak compared to the vast
power of silence.

The okay times (or the times that we were talking) become delicate
and I'd think about what I was going to say 4x before saying it.
The smallest slip could make everything crash down. I didn't
know when I was going to tread on a landmine.

And don't try to get away from the Silence. Getting to some
place hoping to find jumper cables--it is a foolish idea that doesn't work.

I go crazy in silences.
Some hurts I wonder if you will ever get over. And time helps, it helps
a ton, but still hurt hurts and will always be hurt.

If I hadn't know it, I wouldn't know how good right now is.

I wouldn't know how good it is to talk to someone and not even
make sense but they get you. They understand you in a way that no one
else has ever tried to understand you before. And... it is the best thing
ever and I know that it will never stop because of how right it feels.

So, yes, I remember and thinking about it isn't pleasant, but I feel
safe in knowing that I'm two years better than I was before.
And I've got years and years of talking with a man that I love;
and for sure silences are going to be a lot different.

My Mustache and Willies

I do support the troops and all, I just get the willies every time
I get pulled over. The willies are those really awful chilly feelings you
get when you are trouble. The exchange is just awkward to me.
Parent/child relationship feel.

I had a terrible, no good, very awful day yesterday.

I was coming out from an appointment when one of my
client's mother called me; I'm an awesome listener and I may
not have been paying attention as great as I should have. I may
have pulled out a little close in front of a vehicle. It wasn't that awful
though. Really. But I do realize that I am distracted and
pull into the nearest store parking lot to finish my call.

I am a good citizen for pulling over right?

Naturally, I was surprised when I get out of my car to grab
something from the trunk and a very menacing police officer is
leaning up against my car. Whoa!! Where'd you come from?!

"Do you know what you did?" he said.

"Uh... you mean pulling out in front of that car out there? I didn't
see him, sir. I am truly sorry."

He looked really mean. It was making me nervous.
"Do you know why you did that? That is called reckless driving."

"I really didn't see him sir until I was already out in the lane..."

"You know why?" he interrupts. "Because you were on that thing,"
pointing at my offending cell phone sitting on the seat.

Man, this is going to make my mom so happy. She is always telling
me to get off my phone when I drive because I'm too distracted.
I realize denial is never going to work. I pull out the big guns: sympathy.

"Yes, sir. You are right. May I tell you why I was so distracted?"
He looked really mean. Did I mention that?

Silence.

"Can I?"

More glaring. And then a slight nod.

"Well sir, I am a PSR Worker and that happened to be a call from
one of the client with not the greatest news. I really didn't see that other
car. I realized I was far too distracted, thus while I pulled into this lot
to finish the call. I am usually quite a responsible driver."

(PSR Worker and police have to work together occasionally. I had
a friend who got out of a $80 ticket because she was able to convince
them that her driving record was really important to keep clean to be
able to transport clients. Handy knowledge in times like this.)

He asks me lots of questions: who do I work for, where was I headed, ect.
He takes my license and registration and tells me to go sit down while he
does his little laptop thing in the car. I am biting my nails. I got a ticket
not two months ago will that effect how awesome I look as a responsible
PSR/citizen?
He walks back I give him my "sorry-I-am-such-an-idiot-and-this-will-never-
happen-again" look. He tells me that I really need to watch my driving
because I have two citations from 2010. I want to tell him that that was
soooo last year; I am a reformed woman! But I don't.

A not so bad interaction and I got away with nothing but a nose bleed.
No seriously my nose started bleeding a few minutes later.

Life could have gotten a lot better, but it didn't.
I went and picked up one of my kids. A six year old who is learning
English. I am talking with him about meditation (right what six year old
is going to use meditation?) when he starts pointing and laughing at my face.
All my insecurities come out.
Did I write on myself with pen?
Do I have a big zit that needs popping?
Is my nose really that ugly?
What did I eat for lunch?

He blurts out,"You have a mustache!"
I hurry and turn around to see who of my co-workers heard.
I'm dying in my seat. I try to hurry and talk to him about making fun
of people but he is just laughing too hard. So I do the only logical thing:

I put him in time-out.
(He deserved it. He was being mean to me.)

Then run to the bathroom to check out this mustache.

Truth: I use Nair.
And we are close that I can tell you that.
I hadn't used it in a while, but honestly it wasn't that bad. No black hairs,
just a little long around the edges of my mouth.

We had a good long discussion about making fun of people.

Mister says he doesn't see the stache. But he is too sweet so
honestly can't be trusted.

Wise Words

{us in Times Square on the big screen}

And now marriage advice from two people who aren't married
but think they know a lot because we are young,
but not necessarily naive:

My Mister:
"The trick to a successful marriage is not realizing what a pain
the other person is."

Me:
well... I actually didn't say anything profound, but
I laughed really hard when he said this and
I wrote about marriage here. (it was sort of more about the
wedding day, although impertinent to marriage. I'm counting it.)