Like My Ring?

Remember almost a year ago I had this date that I just thoroughly
enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that I was smiling the next day when
I woke up, which never happens. (Not a morning person.)

Little less than a year later,
I am pleased to announce that Kendra Sue will be marrying
Mr. Man at the soonest possible convenience. The very man
who made her toes wiggle from the very first date.

And I L.O.V.E. him!!!

It seems like I've know him forever and I can't picture not ever
having him in my life.

It was little over a year ago that I left my
ex-husband heartbroken and thinking that it didn't matter if I every got
married again. I would be so very happy being alone. Forever.
I was bitter towards men. Bitter for the hurt that I'd had to experience.
Bitter for having hopes, dreams, wishes, thoughts smashed and destroyed by
someone that I thought loved me. Bitter for becoming a tool not a wife.
Bitter for all the promises of blissful marriage that I'd been promised that
I'd never had a glimpse of.
I was a mess. I cried all the time. And my heart was sick.

But my Heavenly Father knows me so well. I can't imagine that he could
have sent anyone better into my life. The first week moving in I met a boy
at Family Home Evening and we started talking. It seemed like I couldn't
stop talking around him. All my secrets, fears, and dirty laundry kept
coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. I waved the awfullest things
I could think of about myself in front of his face and encouraged him to run away.
He didn't. I seriously think that he must be an angel because somehow
he was able to piece me all back together. Somehow Heavenly Father knew that
he could help me make sense of the messes and help me find hope in the future.
He is the most patience, caring individual there is.

And somehow he wants to marry me!
And he thinks he is getting a deal!

I know I should be worried that I haven't found a flaw yet, but
honestly I've strung this guy through the wringer. He is wonderful. He is
kind. He listens. He doesn't judge. He loves unconditionally. He makes
me smile daily. He looks at me in the most perfect way that makes me feel
like I am worth something special. He is a hoot to be around.

Wow. I'm a lucky girl.

Proposal story to come. :)

Gooooddd Morning! I need a cure.

I started the day with Julian Michaels 30 Day Shred, which I

haven't done since Tuesday because I've been so sore. My goal
is to do it 4 times next week. It rocks! I called up my man and
we went to the gym where I did 20 minutes on the bike, 5 minutes
on the stairs (I don't know why but they kill me like no other), and the
finished our workout with some abs and weights. Not too long. I was
exhausted, however. It is amazing how energized you feel after working out, which
is odd to me because I can't seem to get myself to do it when I'm tired.

Now it is close to noon and I'm trying to finish writing this so that
my title will still fit. I feel so great today and actually it has to do
with those flowers you see with my breakfast. Of course you know they
are from my Mr. Man Dude but they have a great story with them. :) hehe
Maybe tomorrow?

I am trying this no/low carb diet and I've lost a little weight.
I have a huge weakness though. I am ADDICTED to sweets. I can't
seem to leave them alone. Does anyone know the cure? Please
I need help, a story, validation....

Look at my breakfast/lunch. Beautiful, no?

(sorry for the quality, just my point and shoot today)

I wanted to share because that is the prettiest omelet I've every made.
Every time I try to make an omelet it always ends up scrambled eggs with
vegetables and cheese. But I'm on a roll today.
And I've discovered something: pour a little coffee creamer over berries.
Its delicious.

I'm going to go float the canal now.
Enjoy your Saturday!

Less Stress

Last night a total of seven little demons were killed-

six by the amazing sticky things and one by jabbing paper.
My skin feels crawly just thinking about how many more are out
there.

I am amazed at those of you who have full time jobs and are still
able to blog. I feel that this summer there has been so much unsaid
and really no consistency to this blog. I run around from place to
place. I find myself in several different locations: Canada, New York,
and Alaska; and trying to spend as much time as I can with the Mr. Man
I just don't get to write on my blog much. It makes me feel disorganized.
Heck, I've been meaning to write about New York for a month and a half
now. I have a few pictures edited, but I'm not done.

My job makes me exhausted. I have to work my own hours which is
nice in some ways, but at the same time I run around dropping kids
off, picking them up, listening to their problems, worrying about the
struggling ones, talking to moms, giving advice that I have no experience
to back up with; needless to say by the end of the day I'm pooped.
I just want to curl up with the Man, watch The Office, and eat.

I interviewed for my dream job last week: art teacher, specifically pottery.
I love pottery. Everyone should try pottery once in their life. It is a must!
But, alas, I always kersplat! on interviews. I really need to take classes.
Everyone: if you are still in college, study for interviews!
It was heartbreaking for me. I want to teach so bad and I have to wait
who knows how long to get the job that I studied four years for.
Pity party for Kendra.

I've decided that I need to relax.
I take things way too serious and get stressed out about everything.
So what if I don't work 40 hours a week? I make enough to support me.
So what if I dislike my job? Everyone else does.
So what if I'm 15 lbs overweight? My body does what it is suppose to do.
(Although, I have been working out (just a little). I tried Jullian this morning.
Not bad. My body was shaking by the end. I made a goal this week if I get
down to a number with a zero on the end I get to go by a necklace. I love jewelry.)
So what if I don't get everything done on my list? I want to have a good day
everyday.

My new attitude is to focus on the important things to me. The things that
bring me joy. In conclusion: more working out, more photography,
more time with my man, more smiles, more dropping everything and
doing things I want, more reading my scriptures, less stress and worry.

Maybe a bit more blogging, who knows?

Yay!

The War

Since my return: The war has begun.

The battlefield: my basement apartment.

The weapons: shoes, tissues, toilet, any accessible heavy object,
and those sticky things you get at Wal-mart.

The opponent: ugly, huge, crawling, icky spiders.

I have no idea what kind they are. They are huge. They are ugly.
They are fast. They are everywhere. They are loathed. They are hated.

I avoid my apartment because they dominate.
Mr. Dude Friend tells me this isn't true, but I know that they
crawl into my mouth at night and I swallow them. I am afraid to sleep.
As anyone else ever heard that?

I am deathly afraid of spiders. Along with snakes and mice, but
mostly just spiders. I always made mom get them when I was at home.
Seriously, I would yell and yell until she came and then I'd just point.

But I don't have anyone this time.
I have to woman up.
Crap.

So, this is how it plays out about three times a week:
I see a spider.
I jump and bit my lip to hold a scream.
I go in panic mode and run away a little bit.
I grab a paper towel and hold my breath.
I prepare myself to jab.
Nothing.
I prepare myself mentally to jab.
Nothing.
Okay, I talk myself through it. I make my hand move.
I move so dang slow I wonder what it wrong with the little freak,
does he want to die?
I jab and yelp. I prance around like an idiot.
And run to the toilet and throw the thing in.
Then proceed to flush three times.
They could make their way back up somehow, serious.

I can't wait until winter. They can all roll over and die.

P.S. I posted the cutest pictures of my niece over at my new
photography blog. Oh, I didn't mention that I am into photography.
It's my new interest.
Here's a peek:

New Baby

There is something really happy about a new baby.

They are so fresh and so dependent on you for help.
And I have this thing where I like to know that I am needed
or at least wanted.

But the absolute sweetest thing ever is a daddy with their
baby girl. I LOVE dads with their daughters.
I can't explain how happy it makes me, especially when the
daddy is my own brother. My brothers are exceptionally good
men. Just look how awesome my youngest brother is:
You can tell he is one heck of a man. And single.
He gives great massages and carries your luggage in airports.
But I didn't tell you that. I promised I would ease up about the
whole dating thing.

Anyho, I'm in Alaska, crazy the places I find myself; getting
to hang out with my new niece, Hailey Suzanne. (I actually
have two new nieces born on the same day, but one
happens to be adventuring in Japan.) Who is perfectly adorable, no?

Hear me ROAR

My family thinks I am a wuss.

Want to hear the reason why?

Because I don't hike. Ever.
I am the babysitter and the sandwich maker;
but I choose stay home by myself than subject myself to agony.

They happen to be these crazy, macho people who like
to hike mountains ALL THE TIME. I happen to be someone who
tries to do as little as possible with my body. I don't understand the fun
to torturing myself on purpose.
(Okay so ever other week or so I try and a new diet and exercise routine
and drag my poor dude to the gym. But that doesn't count.)

People try to tell me the view is worth it.
I can't enjoy it when I feel sweaty, sore, and can't pick
my face up from rock. What is worth it is going home and staying
clean and well fed. I am a whiner and I admit it freely.

They tell me it is the pride in conquering the mountain.
I have can't feel pride when my whole attention is
concentrated on the throbbing in my bum.
I solemnly proclaim that hiking is not my thing.

But I thought I would try it one more time when some good friends
of ours invited us to go camping and hike Table Rock.
I like camping and must admit that is the only reason they got me
to go. The food tastes awesome when you are camping.

And I LOVE s'mores. Pretty much just the melted chocolate
on graham crackers, but I got mostly marshmallow this trip. Mr. Man Friend
has to do everything overboard. No normal marshmallows
for our legendary trip.
(cute, huh?)

My Mr. Man Dude made us a scrumptious dutch oven dinner
on Friday night. That kind of thing makes me really like him.
We talked and got ready for the hike the next morning.

Saturday we got our morning off right with lots of protein:
eggs and sausage. Try it boiled in a baggy.
I was confident and feeling good about the trip.
That pride thing got to me and I had something to prove to my
mocking family. I am a Hansen. I can hike mountains. I
CHOOSE not to. And you can't mock me anymore.

This is us still happy.

My little point and shoot didn't do too bad of a job.
Probably should have photoshoped it.

Us a third the way up. I was still feeling pretty good here and
for the most part was leading the pack.

This is the point where I wanted to kill everyone and then die.
I took a picture to document the place where I quit. But I talked
myself into going another 10 ft and then another. Somehow I made
it to the top. It looks like a little hill. PSH! It lies.

It is a MONSTER. The hike is 11 miles
round trip and about did me in. I did beat Mr. Man Dude to the top.
My bragging point. Plus, I ate more trail mix than he did. I don't
know why that is relevant but somehow it makes me feel tough.

I was miserable.
I still don't understand hiking.

It took 45 minutes to stand up and get the energy for this shot.

And in true Hansen fashion the victory pose.

Genius, genius

Probably the most genius thing I've ever done
has been to put tweezers in my car.
{image}

I never notice I have a forest growing until I am in the
car, far away from my make-up bag, and most likely late
for something. But never again will my eyebrows
be uncultivated; I have now perfected the
art of plucking my eyebrows while waiting at lights, which I
do a lot of throughout the day. My "kids" even tell me when
the lights turn green. It's like a game to them.

I talk way too much about unsightly hair on this blog.

Silence

Two years ago to this date I was getting married.

....

I keep waiting to be emotional about it but I am so... happy.
It feels like it was 10 years ago. I feel like I know things that
I shouldn't know till I'm 30 or something. I feel different but stronger.

I attribute a lot of that to someone who has made my life
crazy awesome and surprises me daily with his insight and thoughtfulness.

But I've had to think about my marriage a lot lately. Something that
gets me down and makes me extremely emotional.
Honestly, the thing I wish I had the skills
to accurately describe is the silence.
I feel like I should capitalize that. It feels like a proper noun.
I want to emphasize how prominent and alive it was in our marriage.
I'd almost say it yelled.

I think the loudest silences are those that are
filled with everything that has been said
--said wrong, said thousands of times.

It happens when fighting becomes the condition rather than the
exception and the only option is a silent retreat to mutual corners.

Silence so permeable that it chokes and suffocates if one breathes
too much. And you have no idea what words could unwind everything
because words become so small and weak compared to the vast
power of silence.

The okay times (or the times that we were talking) become delicate
and I'd think about what I was going to say 4x before saying it.
The smallest slip could make everything crash down. I didn't
know when I was going to tread on a landmine.

And don't try to get away from the Silence. Getting to some
place hoping to find jumper cables--it is a foolish idea that doesn't work.

I go crazy in silences.
Some hurts I wonder if you will ever get over. And time helps, it helps
a ton, but still hurt hurts and will always be hurt.

If I hadn't know it, I wouldn't know how good right now is.

I wouldn't know how good it is to talk to someone and not even
make sense but they get you. They understand you in a way that no one
else has ever tried to understand you before. And... it is the best thing
ever and I know that it will never stop because of how right it feels.

So, yes, I remember and thinking about it isn't pleasant, but I feel
safe in knowing that I'm two years better than I was before.
And I've got years and years of talking with a man that I love;
and for sure silences are going to be a lot different.

yep

Excuses for not writing:

lots of family, sick, and a little exciting news
that I'm not ready to share. :)

And just to show you that I can dominate,
with the help of three little boys:I am crazy for him.