I'm Human

I'm going to talk about regrets today.

I've got a lot of them. I'm only going to talk about two.

It's a little scary to advertise your flaws all over the
internet, but I feel that forgiveness and honesty are so great.
I've have found through blogging
(although there was a few months there where I dropped off)
that there is definitely something therapeutic about finding
those who struggle and are like you in some way and letting them
know you are listening. I found that having people tell me they've
felt that way before, or they wish they could give me a hug, or
they agree with a statement is such a HALLELUJAH moment for me.

And the big news is:
I've decided that the time has come for me to start liking myself.

And I have a few disagreements with myself that I really need to get over.
First of all, I'm going to stop whining. I know that this might take
awhile because I like getting stuck in my emotions and feeling justified in them.
But dwelling on the negative is very unpleasant for me to be around;
and its me I'm listening to!

Weight. I hate that word. I hate the guilt I feel after failing another day
at resisting all the little "extras" I put in my mouth.
It doesn't sound hard, really.
It is just dieting. Just watching what you put in your body. Math really.

The funny thing about weight is that if you have a little extra love, you
think about it first thing in the morning, you think about it during the day,
you think about it every time you put anything in your mouth, you think
about it when you go to sleep .... you get the picture. It is constantly pounding
away at your brain. It is a consistent guilt that nags and nags and nags.
Its a vicious cycle that leads you to more fatty snacks, more guilt,
and more weight. Cuz what does it matter if I eat that HoHo, I'm already
this way?
I've watched myself over the last few years, which have been stressful and
some of the hardest in my life, as I've put on the pounds.
I've convinced myself that 5 lbs isn't that much and I can deal with it.
I tell myself that's easy weight to lose.
I've found that there is no easy weight to lose and a lot of 5 lbs have
added on.

I know that I'm not obese, but I am not happy being the weight I am.
I'm uncomfortable with myself.
And I refuse to continue this cycle for the rest of my life.
I am shedding myself of pounds and guilt. I am going to start loving me.
I want to be happy in my skin. I want my confidence and self-esteem restored.
I've been working on it for about two weeks, with a guilty Canadian Tim Tam
Slam weekend in the mix, and I don't know if I've lost any. It is frustrating.
I'm not going to weight myself though. That motivation makes me depressed.
There is no easy way to do this. So I'm plugging away at eating less carbs,
more fruits, more veggies, and more activity.
Funny right after the Tim Tam Slam episode yesterday. I only had two.
Serious.
I'll keep you updated.
And I would love your stories, advice, and encouragement.

Divorced. My label. I find myself thinking about my failed marriage
a lot. I read books trying to understand what went wrong. They make me
wonder if things could have worked out differently. They make me ache
because I was the one that threw my hands up and walked away. They
make me feel flawed, piety, and untrustworthy.
I have someone I love dearly in my life now and I live with the guilt that
I've done something to betray them. That I'm not the person they deserve
nor want because dang it! look what I did. That if they really saw what
happened, if they really could understand me far more than what my
words say, they would leave.

I went to a counselor twice after it all. I wish I could have gone more, but
I didn't want to deal with the fact that I wasn't happy yet despite the fact
that I took drastic measures to change my situation. I mostly sat on her
couch and cried. But she said something to me that meant so much:

I have to stop living with "what if" and start living with "what now?"

In that room, sitting awkwardly on that couch I felt that my
Heavenly Father loved me. I felt a ray of hope. I know that there was
no happiness in my marriage. It is a dark time in my memory.
I was depressed. On the verge of suicidal, and I'm not being dramatic.
I know what I did was right for me.
Its been a bumpy road. And one that I'm not done traveling because
its left me terrified of marriage and sex. But looking back it is amazing
how much I've grown. There is no denying to myself that I'm much better.
I know that there will be a time that I will feel complete--once I get rid
of the little devilish guilt I feel inside.

I have to remind myself that I don't regret my marriage.
I don't.
I just don't recommend it.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to change.

The Wedding Day

I woke up thinking again today.
I hate waking up thinking. Sometimes it gets me really down.
I think about everything in my life and how it fits together
and where I am headed; it is scary and very frustrating.
I like organization. I like knowing I am doing the right thing.
And when I doubt myself, it is the worst feeling in the world.

Is it bad to think that the time I knew myself the most was
right after my divorce? I was so empowered. I felt so completely
free. I just knew that I would be okay. I knew that my Father
loved me and somehow I could hope again for the future and
that my life would be filled with happiness again.

I was so naive and immature stepping into marriage.
I truly felt I could fool myself into happiness.
All you needed was a glorious beginning. The age old saying
that "your wedding day will be the best day of your life" is
silly, silly, silly! Not to mention incredibly sad. That your relationship's
culminating experience is found on your wedding day is very
absurd notion.

Marriages make me sad now.
It seem that there is so much hype and not enough focus on the future.
Not enough planning for when things aren't always glorious.


After my marriage ceremony was finished and afterglow of everything
faded away, I was left in his hands. There was nothing between us
now that I could hide behind. I was simply his. And it scared me.
I was numb. I was sick. Crap. What was a suppose to do now?
My complete focus for months had been this day and I had done nothing
but ignore the future and my apprehensive feelings.
Now it stared blatantly at me, ready to shake me into reality.
What a brutal beating.

If and when and hopefully, when marriage wants to grace my door
again, I am going to do it so differently. Keep it small. Focus on what
really matters: your life together.
I don't want it to be the best day of my life.
I simply want it to be just a day. That's it.
I want each day afterward to be the focus of our energies.

The day you sacrifice your needs and wants to help your spouse.
The day you survive going through the budget together.
The day everything goes wrong and you can still look at each other
and know somehow it will work. And later you will laugh.
The day we decide to forget about how our parents did things and
do them our own way.
The day you know you can love each other despite the shortcomings
and weird habits that annoy the crap out of you.
I want to be able to say that I look forward to the spending every day
with him. And even when we fight, which is inevitable, it will still be
a good day because you still know you love each other.
I want the small things of each day to make that day the BEST day.
The wedding day should be the least best day of your life, because your love will
grow as you understand each other better. Maybe it would be okay to look
back on it as the day it started if you want...

Starting something as hard as marriage with lots of fanfare sets really high
expectations in my opinion. Personally, I want a huge party after five years.

And that day that I wake up not questioning or doubting, because
I see him by me, that day will be the best of days.