Like My Ring?

Remember almost a year ago I had this date that I just thoroughly
enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that I was smiling the next day when
I woke up, which never happens. (Not a morning person.)

Little less than a year later,
I am pleased to announce that Kendra Sue will be marrying
Mr. Man at the soonest possible convenience. The very man
who made her toes wiggle from the very first date.

And I L.O.V.E. him!!!

It seems like I've know him forever and I can't picture not ever
having him in my life.

It was little over a year ago that I left my
ex-husband heartbroken and thinking that it didn't matter if I every got
married again. I would be so very happy being alone. Forever.
I was bitter towards men. Bitter for the hurt that I'd had to experience.
Bitter for having hopes, dreams, wishes, thoughts smashed and destroyed by
someone that I thought loved me. Bitter for becoming a tool not a wife.
Bitter for all the promises of blissful marriage that I'd been promised that
I'd never had a glimpse of.
I was a mess. I cried all the time. And my heart was sick.

But my Heavenly Father knows me so well. I can't imagine that he could
have sent anyone better into my life. The first week moving in I met a boy
at Family Home Evening and we started talking. It seemed like I couldn't
stop talking around him. All my secrets, fears, and dirty laundry kept
coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. I waved the awfullest things
I could think of about myself in front of his face and encouraged him to run away.
He didn't. I seriously think that he must be an angel because somehow
he was able to piece me all back together. Somehow Heavenly Father knew that
he could help me make sense of the messes and help me find hope in the future.
He is the most patience, caring individual there is.

And somehow he wants to marry me!
And he thinks he is getting a deal!

I know I should be worried that I haven't found a flaw yet, but
honestly I've strung this guy through the wringer. He is wonderful. He is
kind. He listens. He doesn't judge. He loves unconditionally. He makes
me smile daily. He looks at me in the most perfect way that makes me feel
like I am worth something special. He is a hoot to be around.

Wow. I'm a lucky girl.

Proposal story to come. :)

Lo and Behold....

Every once in a while I feel that I am hiding my issues.
I started a blog to help me talk. And all I talk about is
light fluffy, insignificant things that make me wonder why
I have a blog.

I feel shallow sometimes when I'm thinking of things to write about.
I like focusing on the things that are making me happy now.
I like knowing that despite disappointment, judgment,
and thinking I am not the greatest example that I did the right
thing. For everyone involved. Him included.

But there is a lot of guilt that I still have to work through.
I am Kendra. I am 23 years old. I am LDS, Mormon, whatever
you call us. I believe in eternal marriage. Families Forever.
I got married in the Idaho Falls Temple on a beautiful day and...
And I am divorced.

I've wanted to explain so many times why I did what I did.
I have wanted to share the details.
I have wanted to share all the terrible instances.
I have wanted to make sure that you are all on my side, that
you understand what I did, why I did it, and agree with me that
it was the best decision. I have wanted a team of cheerleaders made up
of my blog members who validate me often.

But... I haven't wanted to point fingers.
I repeat to myself that it "Takes Two to Tango." That by pointing
fingers, I am saying that me, myself is guiltless. I know I'm not.
I've wanted to convince myself that by not talking about it on here
that I was healing and over it.

I feel so awful.

Really stupid.

I want to forget it.

I am really scared sometimes. I think of marriage and I want to
say never again. Yet, with my best friend being there for me, helping me,
caring for me, I wonder WHEN will he ever ask. I'm a yo-yo.
Scared, impatient, loving someone greatly, yet hesitant and anxious
that I really don't understand my feelings.

I find myself saying that my ex did this and my mister doesn't do
that. I find myself relieved that he is complete opposite of the man
I found myself still married to about a year ago.
Should I compare?
Is that unhealthy?
Should I be seeing someone?
Can I fix things with my own thoughts and God's help?
What if things change?
What if we fight?
What if he wakes up one day and decides that I am messed up in the head?
What if I can never stop thinking about him?

I stopped writing for a bit because I felt like such a fraud.
I want to be deep. I want to share my struggles. And I want
to be one that can help others. But looking at myself I thought
who is this girl that complains so much? I've never wanted to be
Debbie Downer. I don't want people to read this blog and see everything
that can go wrong in marriage. And I haven't wanted to dwell on it all.
It is easy to be light and fluffy.

Sometimes I just want to talk about it.

I want to repeat myself over and over.

And occasionally I find others who are going or have gone through
a similar situation and I want to shake their shoulders and ask them
are you confused too? Tell me what you think. Tell me what happened
to you. Talk to me. I want to know why.
Today is not one of my strong days. I want to shake shoulders.