Truth: I really want to be needed.
I like knowing that someone wants to be with me and wants to
know how my day went. I want to make some one's life better
and have them in return help me fulfill my dreams. I want
someone to fill my thoughts with through the day and feel
anxious to get back home to. Or at least someone that I can call
anytime and just talk to and they are okay with coming to see me with a hug.
I feel guilty for how much I rely on those around me. I feel bad for calling old
friends with my tears when they are in such good and happy places
in their lives. I don't want to be "Debbie Downer." I want to be the
fun girl I once was to them, full of life and laughter. I feel bad for asking the same
questions again and again and hoping to hear reassuring words.
I hate being so dependent.
I hate holding the phone wanting to hear someone on the other end, but
too scared to call because I called them two days ago extremely desperate
for someone to talk to. They have lives. And I whine too much.
But sometimes it is just really hard to smile when I go home to
an empty apartment in a town where I don't know anyone but my roommate.
I make myself dinner (most times too much, I'm use to cooking for more than one) and
give myself a pity-party. I cry at any sad moment I see on TV.
Sometimes I find myself crying just because I cry too much.
I'm sorry that I'm not there for my friends. I am sorry
that I'm jealous of their happy moments with their loved ones.
I know my life has purpose but sometimes I
forget. Sometimes it feels that I'm the only one that's in this deep
chasm. I feel discouraged. I know that I'm too focused on myself.
I clean to distract myself, but when I go to bed I just lay there wondering
how my life turned out this way. And I cry.
I'm sorry I cry.
I know everything passes. Eventually.
