Like My Ring?

Remember almost a year ago I had this date that I just thoroughly
enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that I was smiling the next day when
I woke up, which never happens. (Not a morning person.)

Little less than a year later,
I am pleased to announce that Kendra Sue will be marrying
Mr. Man at the soonest possible convenience. The very man
who made her toes wiggle from the very first date.

And I L.O.V.E. him!!!

It seems like I've know him forever and I can't picture not ever
having him in my life.

It was little over a year ago that I left my
ex-husband heartbroken and thinking that it didn't matter if I every got
married again. I would be so very happy being alone. Forever.
I was bitter towards men. Bitter for the hurt that I'd had to experience.
Bitter for having hopes, dreams, wishes, thoughts smashed and destroyed by
someone that I thought loved me. Bitter for becoming a tool not a wife.
Bitter for all the promises of blissful marriage that I'd been promised that
I'd never had a glimpse of.
I was a mess. I cried all the time. And my heart was sick.

But my Heavenly Father knows me so well. I can't imagine that he could
have sent anyone better into my life. The first week moving in I met a boy
at Family Home Evening and we started talking. It seemed like I couldn't
stop talking around him. All my secrets, fears, and dirty laundry kept
coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it. I waved the awfullest things
I could think of about myself in front of his face and encouraged him to run away.
He didn't. I seriously think that he must be an angel because somehow
he was able to piece me all back together. Somehow Heavenly Father knew that
he could help me make sense of the messes and help me find hope in the future.
He is the most patience, caring individual there is.

And somehow he wants to marry me!
And he thinks he is getting a deal!

I know I should be worried that I haven't found a flaw yet, but
honestly I've strung this guy through the wringer. He is wonderful. He is
kind. He listens. He doesn't judge. He loves unconditionally. He makes
me smile daily. He looks at me in the most perfect way that makes me feel
like I am worth something special. He is a hoot to be around.

Wow. I'm a lucky girl.

Proposal story to come. :)

Silence

Two years ago to this date I was getting married.

....

I keep waiting to be emotional about it but I am so... happy.
It feels like it was 10 years ago. I feel like I know things that
I shouldn't know till I'm 30 or something. I feel different but stronger.

I attribute a lot of that to someone who has made my life
crazy awesome and surprises me daily with his insight and thoughtfulness.

But I've had to think about my marriage a lot lately. Something that
gets me down and makes me extremely emotional.
Honestly, the thing I wish I had the skills
to accurately describe is the silence.
I feel like I should capitalize that. It feels like a proper noun.
I want to emphasize how prominent and alive it was in our marriage.
I'd almost say it yelled.

I think the loudest silences are those that are
filled with everything that has been said
--said wrong, said thousands of times.

It happens when fighting becomes the condition rather than the
exception and the only option is a silent retreat to mutual corners.

Silence so permeable that it chokes and suffocates if one breathes
too much. And you have no idea what words could unwind everything
because words become so small and weak compared to the vast
power of silence.

The okay times (or the times that we were talking) become delicate
and I'd think about what I was going to say 4x before saying it.
The smallest slip could make everything crash down. I didn't
know when I was going to tread on a landmine.

And don't try to get away from the Silence. Getting to some
place hoping to find jumper cables--it is a foolish idea that doesn't work.

I go crazy in silences.
Some hurts I wonder if you will ever get over. And time helps, it helps
a ton, but still hurt hurts and will always be hurt.

If I hadn't know it, I wouldn't know how good right now is.

I wouldn't know how good it is to talk to someone and not even
make sense but they get you. They understand you in a way that no one
else has ever tried to understand you before. And... it is the best thing
ever and I know that it will never stop because of how right it feels.

So, yes, I remember and thinking about it isn't pleasant, but I feel
safe in knowing that I'm two years better than I was before.
And I've got years and years of talking with a man that I love;
and for sure silences are going to be a lot different.

A Found Note

I have a whole room at my parent's dedicated to the remnants

of my divorce. I have enough nice plates to feed an army.
I have towels. I have blankets; I have one that has the Idaho Falls
Temple beautifully embroidery on it--a heirloom I suppose. I have
a scrapbook that I painstakingly put together telling myself over
and over that I wasn't wasting my time, things would
get better. When a good friend asked me what I wanted for a wedding
gift, I told him a vacuum. He got my favorite color. It sits collecting dust.
I have the cute little-ice-cream-cone-shaped bowls with matching spoons,
missing one because he dropped it, shattering it into a million pieces.
I have picture frames still filled with us, waiting for me to find them and
change their stories. I have enough food storage for two for a year.

I have far too much for being single. Just sitting there in great piles
that get tipped over and scattered as I occasionally dig to find things.

It reminds me of him.
I remember who gave us what on that day. Everything was so exciting because
it held so much promise. Items to fill a new home. Items to help a new family get
started. It is a guilty treasure trove because
none of it was meant for someone who would a year later be throwing in the
towel. But I hold onto it because it is what is left for me to start new someday.

Today, I found a note from my boyfriend about a simple thing like loving
my laugh. It made me smile and feel good about keeping stuff.
It's what got me thinking about the important things to keep around.
I have someone really great. Someone so entirely special that sometimes
I am taken back that he loves me. (I check to make sure all the time.)

And someday I hope, knock on wood, that he will be the one helping me
unpack.

The Note:

Reasons Kendra is More Amazing than She Gives Herself Credit For
#4 Your Laugh
I absolutely love it when you laugh. It's such a bright and cheery laugh. Your eyes squint a little and your tongue hits the back of your teeth and I can't help smiling when you do it. It's great. Plus, when you laugh, you smile, and wow! What a gorgeous smile it is. I won't get into that though, because I think it deserves its own list item later on.

I sure like him.

7.9.11 Letter

I remember nights driving around feeling so empty, a shell, with every
breath making me more aware how I had nothing more to draw on.
I remember trying to stop my uncontrollable crying
because there were no more tissues in the car and I was getting
snot everywhere due to my sweater's inability to hold anymore
moisture. I remember thinking of all the ways I could stop this pain.
I remember contemplating which would be the easiest.

I kept thinking that there was no one to turn to.
You thought I loved him, that I was happy.
My friends were all single and wishing they were married and in my place.
God, well God was disappointed in me. A whole bunch.
I didn't want to talk to him then. I didn't know how to listen.

I irrationally thought I couldn't go home to you; I was suppose to cleave
unto my husband. I couldn't call my friends, that would be disloyal.
I wanted to do anything but return to him; he was the only one that was
waiting though.

Hours and hours of wishing that I could talk to you.

That small apartments full of ugly words, hateful yelling, angry
looks, and high expectations was not safe. I lived there daily trying, struggling
to do what I could to make it home. Scrubbed it clean of filthy, trying to
make it appear cozy, comfortable, and happy--how I wanted others to see
us. When all along I knew that the neighbors could hear us. I knew by their
inability to look me in the eye. By the silence that echoed after all the words
were said and we were both too exhausted to yell anymore. And I knew
they were whispering behind our backs that they would give us a year.

I remember all those feelings.
But I remember also when my walls couldn't hold back the surge
any longer and one night, when I knew it was past your bed time, I called.

I was terrified.
I was afraid that you were going to be so disappointed in me,
when I've wanted nothing more then to make you proud.
I cried. I cried so hard that it was difficult for you to understand me.
I told you about our fight. Just that one. Just the one that made me go
out in the cold that night, not the others, not about how wrong and lost
I felt. I just wanted to come home. I just wanted you to hold me.
I can't fathom that you did what you did.
Listened.
You let me break.
(That was the night that a cop found me in the church parking lot and
asked if I needed help. I was pink and puffy and hiccuping because
I was crying so hard. I barely got out that
I was just talking with my mom. He left pretty fast. I think he knew I was
going to be okay, if I was talking to you.)

There were a lot more phone calls after that from a broken daughter
lost in the world of marriage.
I think about how lucky I am and was. That I had someone
like you to turn to. I know you wish that you could have protected
me from everything that happened. But you couldn't. And I'm
glad you didn't, because somehow it needed to happen.
You did everything you needed to do.

There is a big piece of my heart that will never forget your encouraging
words and your unconditional love.

I wish I could express what is making me cry right now.
I wish I could write down how awesome you are and people would see
and understand how much on a pedestal I have you. I'm not that
skilled though. So I'll just say that you helped me so much through
everything. I love talking with you. You will always be my best friend.

I love you, Mom.

Lo and Behold....

Every once in a while I feel that I am hiding my issues.
I started a blog to help me talk. And all I talk about is
light fluffy, insignificant things that make me wonder why
I have a blog.

I feel shallow sometimes when I'm thinking of things to write about.
I like focusing on the things that are making me happy now.
I like knowing that despite disappointment, judgment,
and thinking I am not the greatest example that I did the right
thing. For everyone involved. Him included.

But there is a lot of guilt that I still have to work through.
I am Kendra. I am 23 years old. I am LDS, Mormon, whatever
you call us. I believe in eternal marriage. Families Forever.
I got married in the Idaho Falls Temple on a beautiful day and...
And I am divorced.

I've wanted to explain so many times why I did what I did.
I have wanted to share the details.
I have wanted to share all the terrible instances.
I have wanted to make sure that you are all on my side, that
you understand what I did, why I did it, and agree with me that
it was the best decision. I have wanted a team of cheerleaders made up
of my blog members who validate me often.

But... I haven't wanted to point fingers.
I repeat to myself that it "Takes Two to Tango." That by pointing
fingers, I am saying that me, myself is guiltless. I know I'm not.
I've wanted to convince myself that by not talking about it on here
that I was healing and over it.

I feel so awful.

Really stupid.

I want to forget it.

I am really scared sometimes. I think of marriage and I want to
say never again. Yet, with my best friend being there for me, helping me,
caring for me, I wonder WHEN will he ever ask. I'm a yo-yo.
Scared, impatient, loving someone greatly, yet hesitant and anxious
that I really don't understand my feelings.

I find myself saying that my ex did this and my mister doesn't do
that. I find myself relieved that he is complete opposite of the man
I found myself still married to about a year ago.
Should I compare?
Is that unhealthy?
Should I be seeing someone?
Can I fix things with my own thoughts and God's help?
What if things change?
What if we fight?
What if he wakes up one day and decides that I am messed up in the head?
What if I can never stop thinking about him?

I stopped writing for a bit because I felt like such a fraud.
I want to be deep. I want to share my struggles. And I want
to be one that can help others. But looking at myself I thought
who is this girl that complains so much? I've never wanted to be
Debbie Downer. I don't want people to read this blog and see everything
that can go wrong in marriage. And I haven't wanted to dwell on it all.
It is easy to be light and fluffy.

Sometimes I just want to talk about it.

I want to repeat myself over and over.

And occasionally I find others who are going or have gone through
a similar situation and I want to shake their shoulders and ask them
are you confused too? Tell me what you think. Tell me what happened
to you. Talk to me. I want to know why.
Today is not one of my strong days. I want to shake shoulders.

I'm Human

I'm going to talk about regrets today.

I've got a lot of them. I'm only going to talk about two.

It's a little scary to advertise your flaws all over the
internet, but I feel that forgiveness and honesty are so great.
I've have found through blogging
(although there was a few months there where I dropped off)
that there is definitely something therapeutic about finding
those who struggle and are like you in some way and letting them
know you are listening. I found that having people tell me they've
felt that way before, or they wish they could give me a hug, or
they agree with a statement is such a HALLELUJAH moment for me.

And the big news is:
I've decided that the time has come for me to start liking myself.

And I have a few disagreements with myself that I really need to get over.
First of all, I'm going to stop whining. I know that this might take
awhile because I like getting stuck in my emotions and feeling justified in them.
But dwelling on the negative is very unpleasant for me to be around;
and its me I'm listening to!

Weight. I hate that word. I hate the guilt I feel after failing another day
at resisting all the little "extras" I put in my mouth.
It doesn't sound hard, really.
It is just dieting. Just watching what you put in your body. Math really.

The funny thing about weight is that if you have a little extra love, you
think about it first thing in the morning, you think about it during the day,
you think about it every time you put anything in your mouth, you think
about it when you go to sleep .... you get the picture. It is constantly pounding
away at your brain. It is a consistent guilt that nags and nags and nags.
Its a vicious cycle that leads you to more fatty snacks, more guilt,
and more weight. Cuz what does it matter if I eat that HoHo, I'm already
this way?
I've watched myself over the last few years, which have been stressful and
some of the hardest in my life, as I've put on the pounds.
I've convinced myself that 5 lbs isn't that much and I can deal with it.
I tell myself that's easy weight to lose.
I've found that there is no easy weight to lose and a lot of 5 lbs have
added on.

I know that I'm not obese, but I am not happy being the weight I am.
I'm uncomfortable with myself.
And I refuse to continue this cycle for the rest of my life.
I am shedding myself of pounds and guilt. I am going to start loving me.
I want to be happy in my skin. I want my confidence and self-esteem restored.
I've been working on it for about two weeks, with a guilty Canadian Tim Tam
Slam weekend in the mix, and I don't know if I've lost any. It is frustrating.
I'm not going to weight myself though. That motivation makes me depressed.
There is no easy way to do this. So I'm plugging away at eating less carbs,
more fruits, more veggies, and more activity.
Funny right after the Tim Tam Slam episode yesterday. I only had two.
Serious.
I'll keep you updated.
And I would love your stories, advice, and encouragement.

Divorced. My label. I find myself thinking about my failed marriage
a lot. I read books trying to understand what went wrong. They make me
wonder if things could have worked out differently. They make me ache
because I was the one that threw my hands up and walked away. They
make me feel flawed, piety, and untrustworthy.
I have someone I love dearly in my life now and I live with the guilt that
I've done something to betray them. That I'm not the person they deserve
nor want because dang it! look what I did. That if they really saw what
happened, if they really could understand me far more than what my
words say, they would leave.

I went to a counselor twice after it all. I wish I could have gone more, but
I didn't want to deal with the fact that I wasn't happy yet despite the fact
that I took drastic measures to change my situation. I mostly sat on her
couch and cried. But she said something to me that meant so much:

I have to stop living with "what if" and start living with "what now?"

In that room, sitting awkwardly on that couch I felt that my
Heavenly Father loved me. I felt a ray of hope. I know that there was
no happiness in my marriage. It is a dark time in my memory.
I was depressed. On the verge of suicidal, and I'm not being dramatic.
I know what I did was right for me.
Its been a bumpy road. And one that I'm not done traveling because
its left me terrified of marriage and sex. But looking back it is amazing
how much I've grown. There is no denying to myself that I'm much better.
I know that there will be a time that I will feel complete--once I get rid
of the little devilish guilt I feel inside.

I have to remind myself that I don't regret my marriage.
I don't.
I just don't recommend it.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to change.

The Wedding Day

I woke up thinking again today.
I hate waking up thinking. Sometimes it gets me really down.
I think about everything in my life and how it fits together
and where I am headed; it is scary and very frustrating.
I like organization. I like knowing I am doing the right thing.
And when I doubt myself, it is the worst feeling in the world.

Is it bad to think that the time I knew myself the most was
right after my divorce? I was so empowered. I felt so completely
free. I just knew that I would be okay. I knew that my Father
loved me and somehow I could hope again for the future and
that my life would be filled with happiness again.

I was so naive and immature stepping into marriage.
I truly felt I could fool myself into happiness.
All you needed was a glorious beginning. The age old saying
that "your wedding day will be the best day of your life" is
silly, silly, silly! Not to mention incredibly sad. That your relationship's
culminating experience is found on your wedding day is very
absurd notion.

Marriages make me sad now.
It seem that there is so much hype and not enough focus on the future.
Not enough planning for when things aren't always glorious.


After my marriage ceremony was finished and afterglow of everything
faded away, I was left in his hands. There was nothing between us
now that I could hide behind. I was simply his. And it scared me.
I was numb. I was sick. Crap. What was a suppose to do now?
My complete focus for months had been this day and I had done nothing
but ignore the future and my apprehensive feelings.
Now it stared blatantly at me, ready to shake me into reality.
What a brutal beating.

If and when and hopefully, when marriage wants to grace my door
again, I am going to do it so differently. Keep it small. Focus on what
really matters: your life together.
I don't want it to be the best day of my life.
I simply want it to be just a day. That's it.
I want each day afterward to be the focus of our energies.

The day you sacrifice your needs and wants to help your spouse.
The day you survive going through the budget together.
The day everything goes wrong and you can still look at each other
and know somehow it will work. And later you will laugh.
The day we decide to forget about how our parents did things and
do them our own way.
The day you know you can love each other despite the shortcomings
and weird habits that annoy the crap out of you.
I want to be able to say that I look forward to the spending every day
with him. And even when we fight, which is inevitable, it will still be
a good day because you still know you love each other.
I want the small things of each day to make that day the BEST day.
The wedding day should be the least best day of your life, because your love will
grow as you understand each other better. Maybe it would be okay to look
back on it as the day it started if you want...

Starting something as hard as marriage with lots of fanfare sets really high
expectations in my opinion. Personally, I want a huge party after five years.

And that day that I wake up not questioning or doubting, because
I see him by me, that day will be the best of days.

Cuz I'm Human

I haven't done a venting session in a while, but
I've got it all on my mind and its coming out.
I started this blog to share my feelings, but sometimes
I'm really scared about that. Worried about who is going
to find them and judge me. I don't care right now though.

I feel so crazy.
I hate, hate being a girl. I hate analyzing everything
and getting so worked up about little things.
The guy, the one that I keep calling my friend who does all
the nice things for me, that guy is driving me nuts.
I don't want to talk about it with anyone.
Personally, I just want to stop thinking about it all,
but being a girl it nags and demands attention.
I hate boys right now.
And I know that is such a cynical attitude, but I'm entitled
to be selfish right? I hate the fact that such an amazing guy
came into my life so soon after my divorce.
I want time to be mad.
I want time to cry and figure out who I am.
I want to be alone and just enjoy it.

I liked having him around at first. He made things easy and
answered a lot of my questions. He put up with my crying and
venting and hating and made me feel special, and that though
I went through a crazy experience, I was still worth being with.
His non-judgmental attitude was a relief. He would listen and
that's all. I like him. A lot. He is smart and kind and we can
talk about things like books and politics. (Things most guys I've
dated have no interest in.) He is so intuitive to my feelings.
Honestly, I don't know why I am upset.
I like him, but I am pushing him away.
I don't want to deal with a man right now. I want to be alone,
but at the same time I don't.

And then I start to wonder if something is wrong with me.
Maybe I've got commitment issues. I hated my marriage. I
loved being alone and dreaded when he would walk in that door.
And now I hate the idea of being with someone, anyone, like that
again. It seems to me that every marriage, every relationship, every
friendship has its ups and downs. But still you find a way to make it all
worthwhile because you love each other, right? That is what I hope
and want, but somehow that isn't what I see. Something fun and exciting
seems to die when people make commitments to each other.
I see couples with new eyes after this whole experience.
They are probably tainted with a deathly shade of pessimistic-anti-
relationship, and I am terribly judgmental, but sometimes the happiness
looks forced. I remember trying
to appear happy. Trying to smile and laugh and act like I loved my
husband and hating, absolutely hating my life.

We didn't start off that way.
I really liked him, maybe even loved. We got along fine.
After marriage he suddenly hated me. He saw me different.
I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to have a relationship.
I don't want anyone to ever look at me like that ever.
There was so much disdain and hateful words.
I don't want someone to make me feel so special and loved
and that same person tear me down after knowing every part of me.
No, never again.

So when the nice, reassuring words start I begin wondering
when is he going to wake up? When is he going to see
that I'm not worth it? Pretty much, when is the hurtful
criticism going to start? And I'm pretty sure it is going to happen
after I trust him. And after I am sure that he would never hurt me,
he'll say the worse things about me, do the worse things to me,
and tell me it's all my fault that we are unhappy.

I'm frustrated, mad, hurt, angry, confused.
If you see him just tell him to run away fast.

Transitory

Fall feels like a transitory state.

You can feel change in the air; like the earth is
holding its breath until winter decides to come.

Change is a funny thing. It is good. It is bad. And
yes, it hurts.
I look back on this summer as one that I will never forget.
I started out married, lying about who I was, and very miserable.
I had to face some hard facts about myself and my mistakes.
I had to cry a lot, pray a lot, and grow a lot of strength.
I had to readjust my convictions.

I don't recommend what I went through.
But my life is so good now. It isn't simple. Never easy.
But extremely good.
I find myself divorced and completely happy and ready
for this transitory state.

I feel good about who I am. I am becoming daily the
person I want to become. My Heavenly Father
believes in me.

Today is good.
I just want to smile and enjoy the sunshine.
Take in life and it's wonderment.
Love it.
Someone gave me a big bottle of confidence
and I am still just enjoying the side effects.

And I am going to keep soaking it up.

Thank You

{image}

It is really great to be happy for the most part, but I love it when people are honest about the heartache in their lives.Tonight I heard a great quote:
"When we are judging another person it leaves us no time to love them."
My experience is teaching me daily to love others for who they are.

I believe strongly that we create our own happiness.
It is much of the reason my blog is labeled "the business of creating."
I want to have the hope that I'm creating my life anew with things
that are beautiful and full of love.
But there are times where it seems the weight of
everything seems so heavy and impossible to work with.
I want to keep it all in and hide it, but it just gets worse that way.

I really don't want what happened to me to define
who I am, but I know in some ways it really has to.
It is constantly there. I feel like I have the words written
in deep, black marker on my forehead: Divorced. I can't ignore it when I met new people because somehow it always comes up. I can't escape it. And the feelings are hard to run away from.

It is so hard to hear women my age talk about how hard
it is to be single and they just need to have the faith to hold
on and wait for the Lord's time to find their eternal companion.
I know that I shouldn't judge, but sometimes I wish that was my
boat. That the only concern on my mind would be whether a man
was him or not.

But for me, I wonder if I will ever be able to be with a
man and not be trying to block out the words that replay
over and over in my head. His words. With his anger and hatred.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust a man when he says something
and not wonder what his alternative motive is.
Sometimes all I think about is the anger and the fights and the emptiness of living with a man that I didn't love. And I feel the weight of being a failure in something that is so final and supposedly so beautiful.

And then I feel the guilt. The guilt of thinking I was given an opportunity
to find happiness and I ruined it. That it was merely me. I am the weak one.
And I don't deserve another chance.

To me, my dreams of marriage are similar to having a glass figurine, admirably beautiful and delicate, thrown with fury against a wall and shattered into a million pieces. I am confused how to began picking up the pieces and fitting it back together.

I find myself so full of anger for what has happened that I wonder if I will ever find the strength to forgive and move on. I am furious sometimes. There are instances where I feel the pain deeply; I wonder whether I can let the Atonement heal the gaping holes and leave me able to love another man.

Most times I am so content to just have myself. Just do what I please and not to beg for understanding and forgiveness. And really I am grateful that I have some place to just put my burdens out in the open and not have to dwell on them alone.

I am happy and I am hurting.
My blog is bipolar: welcome.

{Titleless}

Truth: I really want to be needed.

I like knowing that someone wants to be with me and wants to

know how my day went. I want to make some one's life better

and have them in return help me fulfill my dreams. I want

someone to fill my thoughts with through the day and feel

anxious to get back home to. Or at least someone that I can call

anytime and just talk to and they are okay with coming to see me with a hug.

I feel guilty for how much I rely on those around me. I feel bad for calling old

friends with my tears when they are in such good and happy places

in their lives. I don't want to be "Debbie Downer." I want to be the

fun girl I once was to them, full of life and laughter. I feel bad for asking the same

questions again and again and hoping to hear reassuring words.

I hate being so dependent.

I hate holding the phone wanting to hear someone on the other end, but

too scared to call because I called them two days ago extremely desperate

for someone to talk to. They have lives. And I whine too much.

But sometimes it is just really hard to smile when I go home to

an empty apartment in a town where I don't know anyone but my roommate.

I make myself dinner (most times too much, I'm use to cooking for more than one) and

give myself a pity-party. I cry at any sad moment I see on TV.

Sometimes I find myself crying just because I cry too much.

I'm sorry that I'm not there for my friends. I am sorry

that I'm jealous of their happy moments with their loved ones.

I know my life has purpose but sometimes I

forget. Sometimes it feels that I'm the only one that's in this deep

chasm. I feel discouraged. I know that I'm too focused on myself.

I clean to distract myself, but when I go to bed I just lay there wondering

how my life turned out this way. And I cry.

{image}

I'm sorry I cry.

I know everything passes. Eventually.

I am Divorced and it hurts.

It has taken me about three days to get up the courage to write this post. I wanted to blog because I wanted to write about the pain I was going through. And I wanted to talk what I was learning as I dealt with the greatest pain I've ever experience. But even within the safety of my own blog, I found I couldn't really talk about it. I'm so scared of being labeled. It is easier to pretend it never happened and focus simply on being happy.

Let me tell you my story.

I'm 22 and I'm divorced. That word still makes me tear up and sting inside. I was married in the Idaho Falls Temple and if you don't know we Mormons take marriage very seriously. To sum it up simply, most marriages performed are for time only, meaning the couple is together only for the time while on this earth. It is temporary. However, we believe that temple marriages are for time and eternity and that families can be together forever by sealings. It is a very permanent, serious, and sacred thing. Marriage is not to be taken lightly.

I was married last year. Only a year ago. I was so happy when I became engaged, thrilled to have someone who wanted to be with me for eternity. It was a fast courtship having only dated about 3 months. I believed that this was my one chance for happiness and a family. That happy feeling lasted for about a week. I woke up one morning suddenly nervous and sick, but too ashamed to call off my engagement. I thought no one would ever love me again. I was sure we could make it work. We loved each other after all. I plastered a smile on my face and went through the motions of planning a wedding. In fact, I drowned myself in flowers, lace, and tulle trying to muffle out the sickness and nagging doubt, something we call the Holy Ghost.

My wedding was beautiful. It really was. No big catastrophe happened that day. The weather was gorgeous and my family was all there. I remember asking myself if I was excited. I know now that I wasn't but I did a heck of a job convincing myself that it was going to be the best day of my life. I was full of hope for the future. Marriage was beautiful. I genuinely believed that we could make it work.

It didn't work.

I didn't understand. I prayed, fasted, attended the temple, talked with my bishop and counselors and knew that the only thing I needed was the courage to step out. Our relationship was sick and very unhealthy in all aspects. It was affecting me in the worst ways. I felt my Savior's love as I struggled through understanding repentance and pride and taking the steps I needed.

I moved home. When I think about the love I received from my mom and dad it breaks my heart. They too were struggling to understand, their hearts breaking, yet they were a support to me and greatly needed by me. I thank God for their understanding and love. I felt so liberated there. So light and filled with peace. I knew that my Savior would take care of me. I knew everything, somehow, would work out for the best. He loves me beyond my understanding. I may never marry again, but I know that joy comes from doing His will. (I know that if He had told me to stay and work it out, it would have worked. He has the power to heal broken and sometimes seemingly irreparable things, but in the case of my marriage it wasn't to be.)

There is a great deal of pain in life. Divorce hurts. As do other sufferings. But I believe that there is also a great deal of happiness to be found in the pain. Mine comes from knowing that I have a deeper and more personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know that I have yet a great deal to learn from my experience (thats what you get with disobedience), but I want to send a grateful note to those who have helped me, and to those who have loved me despite my terrible shortcomings. I am grateful for those who encourage me everyday. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I'm really not the greatest with words. Most times I really struggling in trying to write down my thoughts. However, I found it to be a relief to write about the happiness I experience in creating my new life with the knowledge I have gained from my life changing experience. I am in the business of creating something worthwhile, something with love and joy, and something by doing the right thing.

And I'm grateful for those who take the time to read my business. You are my new friends, and part of my new life. I love you.