Saturday, November 13, 2010

Cuz I'm Human

I haven't done a venting session in a while, but
I've got it all on my mind and its coming out.
I started this blog to share my feelings, but sometimes
I'm really scared about that. Worried about who is going
to find them and judge me. I don't care right now though.

I feel so crazy.
I hate, hate being a girl. I hate analyzing everything
and getting so worked up about little things.
The guy, the one that I keep calling my friend who does all
the nice things for me, that guy is driving me nuts.
I don't want to talk about it with anyone.
Personally, I just want to stop thinking about it all,
but being a girl it nags and demands attention.
I hate boys right now.
And I know that is such a cynical attitude, but I'm entitled
to be selfish right? I hate the fact that such an amazing guy
came into my life so soon after my divorce.
I want time to be mad.
I want time to cry and figure out who I am.
I want to be alone and just enjoy it.

I liked having him around at first. He made things easy and
answered a lot of my questions. He put up with my crying and
venting and hating and made me feel special, and that though
I went through a crazy experience, I was still worth being with.
His non-judgmental attitude was a relief. He would listen and
that's all. I like him. A lot. He is smart and kind and we can
talk about things like books and politics. (Things most guys I've
dated have no interest in.) He is so intuitive to my feelings.
Honestly, I don't know why I am upset.
I like him, but I am pushing him away.
I don't want to deal with a man right now. I want to be alone,
but at the same time I don't.

And then I start to wonder if something is wrong with me.
Maybe I've got commitment issues. I hated my marriage. I
loved being alone and dreaded when he would walk in that door.
And now I hate the idea of being with someone, anyone, like that
again. It seems to me that every marriage, every relationship, every
friendship has its ups and downs. But still you find a way to make it all
worthwhile because you love each other, right? That is what I hope
and want, but somehow that isn't what I see. Something fun and exciting
seems to die when people make commitments to each other.
I see couples with new eyes after this whole experience.
They are probably tainted with a deathly shade of pessimistic-anti-
relationship, and I am terribly judgmental, but sometimes the happiness
looks forced. I remember trying
to appear happy. Trying to smile and laugh and act like I loved my
husband and hating, absolutely hating my life.

We didn't start off that way.
I really liked him, maybe even loved. We got along fine.
After marriage he suddenly hated me. He saw me different.
I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to have a relationship.
I don't want anyone to ever look at me like that ever.
There was so much disdain and hateful words.
I don't want someone to make me feel so special and loved
and that same person tear me down after knowing every part of me.
No, never again.

So when the nice, reassuring words start I begin wondering
when is he going to wake up? When is he going to see
that I'm not worth it? Pretty much, when is the hurtful
criticism going to start? And I'm pretty sure it is going to happen
after I trust him. And after I am sure that he would never hurt me,
he'll say the worse things about me, do the worse things to me,
and tell me it's all my fault that we are unhappy.

I'm frustrated, mad, hurt, angry, confused.
If you see him just tell him to run away fast.


Baby Sister said...

I am so sorry. I was the same as you for a long time. Every time I met a guy, I was waiting for him to decide I wasn't worth it, that after getting to know me he would need to move on. And that's pretty much what happened. But I learned later that it was because I believed what I believed, I showed him that. I put off that...feeling, I guess. And so they started acting the same way. And they all ended up being jerks. It wasn't until Boyfriend came along and showed me the me that he saw. I still don't really see the me that he sees, but I trust him that he loves me unconditionally. And that's what's important. That explicit trust is what is needed to make a relationship work. As long as each person does their part, and serves the other person, and trusts in them, that's what makes it works. At least that's what I learned. The other guys? They were jerks. Plain and simple. I don't get them, and I probably never will.
About other couples, I truly believe that yes, some of them do put up a front. But I also believe that there are those couples who truly are happy. I see them every day.
I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching, I really am just trying to help and share my experiences.
I hope you can figure it out.

Tara said...

Well, some people do act, that's for sure. It's a pet peeve of mine too, if I know that not all is blissful and yet they act like they just got off their honeymoon. Not everyone is like that though Kendra. Fairy tales really do come true. Most days I am blissfully, TRULY happy. About 93% of the time. It's not perfect, but it's close and we are constantly working on it. You just need more time to heal, and it's o.k. to take your time to learn to trust again. It's not fair to lump all men into one category. You WILL find your prince, of that I am certain. Big sisters are never wrong.

Runtus Nerdificus said...

When the horse bucks you off, you get back in the saddle and ride that sum' b.

Seester said...

Kendra, what you are feeling is very natural and human. It takes awhile to realize that how you were treated during a very difficult time in your life, does NOT reflect the current state of most marriages. It does take time to heal after what you went through. I don't even know the details, but the feelings I had during and after my first marriage were very similar to yours. In fact, I had gotten so sick of dating and men, I had sworn off both, and then BAM! - Fred somehow popped into my life. Please give yourself some time, and do things for YOU, which is very healing. You will figure it out! I agree with both Tara and R.N.

Laura Wynn said...

Luvs :)