Confession

I will never lose weight for one reason:

I come home at 11 or 12 every night and

proceed to eat three bowls of Cocoa Krispies.
And I love it.

Eat, Pray, Love with Thoreau

I am slowly going to catch up on my life since I've had the long absence of two months.

(An eternity in blogging world, right?)

The AGONIZING search for employment has ended for the time being, me having been employed by a counseling service working with children. Wait until you hear the job title, it sounds way important:

(ahem) Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist.

Meaning I help children from all sorts of backgrounds discover ways to deal with their mental illnesses and cope in the world. Really a heartbreaking job sometimes.

People's stories have a tendency to occupy my mind. I get involved in how they perceive the world and the logic that went into making the choices they did. I love people. I love helping them. And most times wish there was a way I could do more.

Often times I am speechless, more of a listening ear than a helpful voice. But to some that is all they need. I know. I've been there.

Remember when the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" came out and it was such a big hit. (Personally, I found it really boring and fell asleep on Mr. Friend's lap.) But the concept was so appealing to me. This girl has everything that most people deem they need in life: a house, a husband, a successful career. YET, she finds herself lost and searching for something missing. Newly divorced and at a crossroad, she risks everything to find happiness, moving to Italy, India, and Indonesia.

I've been tempted to do that. Move somewhere fresh and new. It is similar to Henry David Thoreau's move to Walden Pond. A total commitment. An exciting leap into the unknown and an abandonment of past.

But I sadly realized that though I would like to think myself adventurous, I was much too frightened to undertake such an enormous change.

Like these children I work with, I don't want to reject my life despite the pain, but change it in a way to find more happiness in familiar surroundings. I think we all do.

So the question is:

Is it selfish to spend so much time focused on our own happiness?

A Happiness Project

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."
~Robert Stevenson

{photo by Jaya Photography}

I'd always thought that someday I'd grow up.
I'd would do all the things that someday I said I would do.

I'd remember people's birthdays without being reminded
by my mom or facebook. And in so doing I'd sent them cute
little homemade cards in the mail. I figured that I'd get out
of bed in the morning with enough time to do my hair and
take a shower without having to chose between the two.

I'd be an expert photographer, and use Photoshop
like a pro. I'd start eating less crap and taking care of my body.
I'd be a granola-type person and run barefoot
during the summer and understand my body enough to know
what it needed.

I'd spent more time with friends and less with myself.
I'd read the classic and be cultured enough to talk about politics
and offer logical explanations in philosophical discussions.

I'd be more fashionable, but still comfortable enough with my
body to wear jeans and a t-shirt without always having
to adjust to hide certain undesirable parts.

I'd draw and have time to relax. I'd do art for the simple
joy of doing it. I wouldn't watch TV while I ate.
I'd use my running shoes.

I'd keep in touch with old friends.
I'd find a niche just for me with enough challenge to keep
me excited and motivated.
I'd stop wishing to be someone else.

And of course with all of this, I exhibit a contradictory nature:
I want to take myself more seriously yet accept myself for what
and who I am and was.
I want to make myself someone who I'd admire, yet love myself now.
I wanted to have structure with my time, yet be able to be flexible, free,
and able to engage in any pursue that fancies me.
I want to not worry about the future, yet hold on to my ambitions and drive.

Once I lose those extra ten pounds, or get a better job, or find the right
guy, I'd be the person I want to be and I'd be happy. Or so I thought.

BUT....
I'm not sure it works that way and all the little wishes and goals
boil down to one. My ultimate goal has always been
happiness.

Then I remembered I started this blog. This crazy, lonely blog
that was suppose to record my own little journey from being
the sad, hate-myself-and-my-current-situation person I turned
into after my divorce into someone who was actively engaged in
creating a life worth living.

So, I welcome myself back. Hello Kendra.
And hello to you!