Silence

Two years ago to this date I was getting married.

....

I keep waiting to be emotional about it but I am so... happy.
It feels like it was 10 years ago. I feel like I know things that
I shouldn't know till I'm 30 or something. I feel different but stronger.

I attribute a lot of that to someone who has made my life
crazy awesome and surprises me daily with his insight and thoughtfulness.

But I've had to think about my marriage a lot lately. Something that
gets me down and makes me extremely emotional.
Honestly, the thing I wish I had the skills
to accurately describe is the silence.
I feel like I should capitalize that. It feels like a proper noun.
I want to emphasize how prominent and alive it was in our marriage.
I'd almost say it yelled.

I think the loudest silences are those that are
filled with everything that has been said
--said wrong, said thousands of times.

It happens when fighting becomes the condition rather than the
exception and the only option is a silent retreat to mutual corners.

Silence so permeable that it chokes and suffocates if one breathes
too much. And you have no idea what words could unwind everything
because words become so small and weak compared to the vast
power of silence.

The okay times (or the times that we were talking) become delicate
and I'd think about what I was going to say 4x before saying it.
The smallest slip could make everything crash down. I didn't
know when I was going to tread on a landmine.

And don't try to get away from the Silence. Getting to some
place hoping to find jumper cables--it is a foolish idea that doesn't work.

I go crazy in silences.
Some hurts I wonder if you will ever get over. And time helps, it helps
a ton, but still hurt hurts and will always be hurt.

If I hadn't know it, I wouldn't know how good right now is.

I wouldn't know how good it is to talk to someone and not even
make sense but they get you. They understand you in a way that no one
else has ever tried to understand you before. And... it is the best thing
ever and I know that it will never stop because of how right it feels.

So, yes, I remember and thinking about it isn't pleasant, but I feel
safe in knowing that I'm two years better than I was before.
And I've got years and years of talking with a man that I love;
and for sure silences are going to be a lot different.