Sunday, September 5, 2010

{Titleless}

Truth: I really want to be needed.


I like knowing that someone wants to be with me and wants to
know how my day went. I want to make some one's life better
and have them in return help me fulfill my dreams. I want
someone to fill my thoughts with through the day and feel
anxious to get back home to. Or at least someone that I can call
anytime and just talk to and they are okay with coming to see me with a hug.
I feel guilty for how much I rely on those around me. I feel bad for calling old
friends with my tears when they are in such good and happy places
in their lives. I don't want to be "Debbie Downer." I want to be the
fun girl I once was to them, full of life and laughter. I feel bad for asking the same
questions again and again and hoping to hear reassuring words.


I hate being so dependent.
I hate holding the phone wanting to hear someone on the other end, but
too scared to call because I called them two days ago extremely desperate
for someone to talk to. They have lives. And I whine too much.
But sometimes it is just really hard to smile when I go home to
an empty apartment in a town where I don't know anyone but my roommate.
I make myself dinner (most times too much, I'm use to cooking for more than one) and
give myself a pity-party. I cry at any sad moment I see on TV.
Sometimes I find myself crying just because I cry too much.


I'm sorry that I'm not there for my friends. I am sorry
that I'm jealous of their happy moments with their loved ones.
I know my life has purpose but sometimes I
forget. Sometimes it feels that I'm the only one that's in this deep
chasm. I feel discouraged. I know that I'm too focused on myself.
I clean to distract myself, but when I go to bed I just lay there wondering
how my life turned out this way. And I cry.

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I'm sorry I cry.

I know everything passes. Eventually.

6 comments:

Laura Wynn said...

*hug*

Kate said...

I thought it was very courageous of you to share what you did in your post about your divorce. Of course, there's no way I can know what that feels like, but I am sorry you're feeling this way right now :( Being alone and feeling like you have no one to talk to or rely on who truly cares is a tough thing to deal with. I'm here to listen though. If you need to talk just send me an email and I'll lend you my ear :)

Mommy Ann said...

Sue, don't ever be afraid to call me.

Tara said...

Kenny, you can call me! I may not hear the phone or be home, but leave a message and I'll call you back! That's why God created family and friends, so we have someone to lean on when we need it. Also, something that came to my mind when I was reading your post...we watched Ultimate Gift on Sunday....remember how Red said that we need to look at problems as a 'gift', because after we rise above them we have a feeling of joy that is hard to be surpassed. I know that doesn't bring comfort NOW, but hopefully it will help you look to the future. You WILL get past this, you WILL find someone to share life with, you WILL be content with your life someday. YOU WILL! You have so many people rooting for you!

Lillabilly said...

Hey. I'm divorced too so I feel your heartbreak. If you ever want to chat pls email me - lillabilly at hotmail dot com. I have to say that for me, even though it was an awful experience, I learned a heck of a lot and grew so very much. I did the same as you and blogged about it too - it really does help (That particular blog is no longer online). Give yourself time to heal and love yourself first. I am now married to the most amazing man and I never dreamed that love could be as wonderful as this. Please just trust that as hard as it seems right now, everything will be alright.

Sabriel said...

Kendra,

don't be sorry! You can call me at any time as well...I'll e-mail you my phone number. I would LOVE to talk. All of these emotions are natural and good because they motivate change. We NEED to be dependent. What would our lives be like if we only relied upon ourselves? Empty and friendless. We are human and connect through pain and sorrow. Did you ever look at a (seemingly) completely happy, well rounded person and think: "oh I really relate to their perfect life!" NO! "mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort." don't be sorry. and truly, call me.