Friday, September 17, 2010

If I don't make sense, just let me vent

I am afraid I don't stand up for myself.
I am afraid I am so dependent on the opinions of others and being part of a group that I compromise my thoughts and what I want to be included. It is so much easier to be part of a "we," an "us," a couple. Its an exciting thrill at first that always seems to ebb leaving me feeling lacking and lost. I want it. I want to be wanted so badly. I want to be loved and cherished, cared for and respected. I want someone to take my pain away and make me forget about him. Someone to make me feel hope for the future and excited to get old with. But at the same time, am I so desperate for that that I forget to wait patiently? That I force the good times to come and forget to wait to His timetable? When something seems good, I jump right in take a little swim and then decide whether I like the water. I figure what the heck, at least I'll know. And it never works out for me. By that time I realize that I am too scared to tell others that I don't like the water. I'm a softy, worried that if I don't find a way to make it work I'll never have anything that will work. At 22 can I still not be sure who I am and what I want? I envy people who tell it how it is without any pretenses. They have opinions and aren't afraid to share them. Confidence. And I feel really stupid because I don't think that way, going naively through life thinking that someday
something good will drop in my lap. Going with the flow until I find myself so deep in the mud that, though I'm desperate to get out, I don't because I'm so afraid that I'll sink if I do. It is better to have someone that no one, right?
I don't know. I want to be a strong-willed woman, independent, self-sufficient, and whole. I don't want someone to fill in my missing pieces. I don't want someone who will tell me
what I am missing or need to do to feel less missing. I am sick of that. I am sick of quick little advice that is suppose to put a band aid on my hurts. Or any other comments meant to cover up the mistakes and the insecurities so that I can be a bright, shiny new toy. It isn't right. I just want to figure out who I am suppose to be and live that way with no compromises, no "I'm sorry," and with the knowledge that I've chosen that way and its all good.

1 comment:

Tara said...

I love you. I'm praying for you. And I love you.