New York!!!

I have the greatest boyfriend who spoils me daily.

I'll call him Mr. Friend, because that what he has been
for a while and he is my best friend and I still don't
have anything more creative.
I kind of love him a lot.
And I think he is adorable.

(I know this isn't the greatest picture. We don't take pictures.
I hug him too much.)

And he and I are going to NEW YORK!!!!
I went there once in high school and loved it.
I grew up in a very small town.
No traffic lights.
No tall buildings.
No neighbors.
New York was busy, exciting, full of life, distracting, and
down right fun. And Mr. Friend and I talked long and hard about
where we were going to go on vacation. (Cuz, I can do that now not
being on a college student budget.)
I pouted and presented well rehearsed arguments and he went for it.

I am way excited.
Probably because I don't get out much.
BUT..... I have nothing to wear!!
New York is so trendy and I can't even fit into my pants anymore.
I'll call it "I'm Happy and in Love Weight" or my "Boyfriend Layer."
So I am pronouncing a goal:
a pant size in 3 wks.
That isn't too hard right.
Any tips?
Any ideas for New York?

Sorry

I feel guilty.
Sorry for the neglect.
Sorry that I started this blog to keep myself informed,
aware of what was going on with me, and met so many
extraordinary people who helped me through a hard time
in my life and then left you all.
{I was concerned about your life and now I feel disconnected.}

And mostly I'm sorry because I don't have amazing, wonderful
insightful things to say.

Life is blessedly normal.
Life is great.
Life makes me want to smile and tear up for happiness at the
same time. I love the ability to start my day and not wake up
crying. I love that I am worried about my job and how I can be
better for my kids and not concerned that I may just break down
at any moment. I love that I can tell someone I love them on a daily
basis and they believe me, and despite it all, despite the mess they've
seen me in, the insensitive things I say, they call me beautiful and
pronounce how lucky they are to be with me.

I've almost forgotten that girl I once was because
I feel strong.
And happy.
And I like that.

Trompe l'oeil

In art there is a term called trompe l'oeil. It's a fancy French word

literally meaning to "deceive the eye," and its an awesome technique
that artists use to create optical illusions. It is achieved by painting the
object to be intensely realistic and three-dimensional in a two-dimensional
format, which is usually flatter looking. What its ultimate goal is to trick
the viewer into seeing the thing as not just part of the painting, but
part of reality, something real and tangible.

For example, an artist might paint a ceiling to look like clouds
or a plaster wall could be made to look like elegant arches.
What is cool about trompe l'oeil is that the way the artist succeeds
in executing the technique depends on his mastery of
PERSPECTIVE,
but the way a view sees it is by losing perspective.

My wise advice, cuz I know you're all waiting for it,
is that we allow ourselves to lose perspective all the time,
especially when it comes to things we expect or want to see.
Our expectations fuel our interactions,
and sometimes we are surprised when the results are different
than what we expected. One of the biggest pieces of wisdom
I have is that we shouldn't let ourselves believe that we deserve
anything from anyone- don't take advantage of the fact that people
are there because they care.

And really there is a lot that we could learn from the idea of
trompe l'oeil. It is starting to make my head hurt.


All in all, I just wanted to say that this last weekend was
a treat. I had an amazing friend from Utah up to visit, my
favorite Mr. Friend by my side, and awesome words that
filled me up with hope and gave me some new perspective.

A change of perspective is sometimes a great thing to experience.

It was one of my favorite weekends in a long, long time.

Confession

I will never lose weight for one reason:

I come home at 11 or 12 every night and

proceed to eat three bowls of Cocoa Krispies.
And I love it.

Eat, Pray, Love with Thoreau

I am slowly going to catch up on my life since I've had the long absence of two months.

(An eternity in blogging world, right?)

The AGONIZING search for employment has ended for the time being, me having been employed by a counseling service working with children. Wait until you hear the job title, it sounds way important:

(ahem) Psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist.

Meaning I help children from all sorts of backgrounds discover ways to deal with their mental illnesses and cope in the world. Really a heartbreaking job sometimes.

People's stories have a tendency to occupy my mind. I get involved in how they perceive the world and the logic that went into making the choices they did. I love people. I love helping them. And most times wish there was a way I could do more.

Often times I am speechless, more of a listening ear than a helpful voice. But to some that is all they need. I know. I've been there.

Remember when the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" came out and it was such a big hit. (Personally, I found it really boring and fell asleep on Mr. Friend's lap.) But the concept was so appealing to me. This girl has everything that most people deem they need in life: a house, a husband, a successful career. YET, she finds herself lost and searching for something missing. Newly divorced and at a crossroad, she risks everything to find happiness, moving to Italy, India, and Indonesia.

I've been tempted to do that. Move somewhere fresh and new. It is similar to Henry David Thoreau's move to Walden Pond. A total commitment. An exciting leap into the unknown and an abandonment of past.

But I sadly realized that though I would like to think myself adventurous, I was much too frightened to undertake such an enormous change.

Like these children I work with, I don't want to reject my life despite the pain, but change it in a way to find more happiness in familiar surroundings. I think we all do.

So the question is:

Is it selfish to spend so much time focused on our own happiness?

A Happiness Project

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."
~Robert Stevenson

{photo by Jaya Photography}

I'd always thought that someday I'd grow up.
I'd would do all the things that someday I said I would do.

I'd remember people's birthdays without being reminded
by my mom or facebook. And in so doing I'd sent them cute
little homemade cards in the mail. I figured that I'd get out
of bed in the morning with enough time to do my hair and
take a shower without having to chose between the two.

I'd be an expert photographer, and use Photoshop
like a pro. I'd start eating less crap and taking care of my body.
I'd be a granola-type person and run barefoot
during the summer and understand my body enough to know
what it needed.

I'd spent more time with friends and less with myself.
I'd read the classic and be cultured enough to talk about politics
and offer logical explanations in philosophical discussions.

I'd be more fashionable, but still comfortable enough with my
body to wear jeans and a t-shirt without always having
to adjust to hide certain undesirable parts.

I'd draw and have time to relax. I'd do art for the simple
joy of doing it. I wouldn't watch TV while I ate.
I'd use my running shoes.

I'd keep in touch with old friends.
I'd find a niche just for me with enough challenge to keep
me excited and motivated.
I'd stop wishing to be someone else.

And of course with all of this, I exhibit a contradictory nature:
I want to take myself more seriously yet accept myself for what
and who I am and was.
I want to make myself someone who I'd admire, yet love myself now.
I wanted to have structure with my time, yet be able to be flexible, free,
and able to engage in any pursue that fancies me.
I want to not worry about the future, yet hold on to my ambitions and drive.

Once I lose those extra ten pounds, or get a better job, or find the right
guy, I'd be the person I want to be and I'd be happy. Or so I thought.

BUT....
I'm not sure it works that way and all the little wishes and goals
boil down to one. My ultimate goal has always been
happiness.

Then I remembered I started this blog. This crazy, lonely blog
that was suppose to record my own little journey from being
the sad, hate-myself-and-my-current-situation person I turned
into after my divorce into someone who was actively engaged in
creating a life worth living.

So, I welcome myself back. Hello Kendra.
And hello to you!