Too Busy for a Title

{google images}

Does anyone know why they call New York the "Big Apple?"
I know I could probably look it up, but honestly I don't have
time to blog right now much less look up silly trivia.
I should be working but this is the life of a PSR Worker, you
kind of need someone to open a door and give you a kid. Which
didn't happen this morning, for which I was grateful because
I am really busy doing my notes. Too busy that I don't have time to
blog today. So forget about an interesting post because those
take all sorts of time. I don't have time. I have to have everything done
by tomorrow. And you think I have time to post before then? PSH!
Because tomorrow we are leaving to drive to SLC
to get on a plane on Friday. And that means that all my notes for work
have to be perfect, no flaws, and all signed. I hate signing
things. The best thing I every signed was divorce papers and I

am too busy to write about that! I've got like 20 things running

through my head of things I have to get for my trip. You know
all those little bottles that pass the airport code of under 4 oz.
Which I think is kind of funny because you can have an unlimited
amount of 4 oz bottles, but combine them all and you have over 4 oz.
It is a really stupid rule. You think airport people ever have to buy
hairspray or toothpaste. I totally wouldn't. But I'm too busy to think

about that. Am I excited? I am too busy to be excited. I still haven't packed.

I'm too busy thinking about what outfits would be fashionable enough
to pass non-hick-like in New York be okay in the sun (because I sweat
like a banshee) but if it rained to be acceptable to keep me warm.
But do you think I have time to blather about the weather? Nope.
I don't have time to blog right now! Okay? Although if I did have time to
blog today I would tell you that I got that lens I've been coventing
and I'm praying that it arrives today because I don't have time for
it to arrive tomorrow. And I'd tell you all about how excited I am for

taking pictures of New York and that I'm hecka going to a Broadway

play for goodness sakes. But I don't even have time to post
pictures what makes you think I have time to talk about them.
(Although this one makes my little country heart get really
excited for the big city.) But I don't have time for that today.

I am even too busy to text a reply to Mister who just texted this morning to say
hello to me. I would tell you that he does that every morning and sometimes
tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. And I would tell
you how much I really like that, but I am too busy to do a blog post about
that. I am really too busy to blog today. I hope you understand.

Today's Inspiration

Words are messy,
but sometimes,
words are all you got
to show what matters most.

{Images from weheartit.com}

Pearls Before Breakfast

I ran into this story today and it really got to my heart strings.

January 12th, in the middle of morning rush hour, Joshua Bell performed
six classical pieces. 1,097 people passed by. Almost all of them on the way
to their morning jobs. They didn't know it but the musician they heard
was one of the most renowned violinist in the world.

He always performs with the same violin. And no other would do even
for this gig. It was handcrafted in 1713 out of the finest spruce, maple
and willow. Bell bought it a few years ago, the price tag at 3.5 million
dollars.{image}

Three days before doing his stunt in the Metro station, Joshua
Bell had filled the house at Boston's stately Symphony Hall, where
pretty good seats went for $100. But on this Friday, he was just another
performer competing for the attention of busy people on their way to work.

He started with what is considered one of the most difficult violin
pieces to master: Bach's "Chaconne." It is an exhausting 14 minutes
of single, succinct musical progression repeated in dozens of variations.
It is said to celebrate the breadth of human possibility. He clearly wasn't going
to cheap out of this performance. He played with gusto, his body leaning into
the music and arching on tiptoes at the high notes. The sound was symphonic.

Three minutes went by before something happened. 63 people had already
zipped on by when, finally there was a breakthrough of sorts. A man
altered his gait for a second, turned his head to notice that there was
some guy playing music. He kept walking, but it was something.
Things didn't get much better. In less than 3/4 an hour that Bell played,
seven people stopped what they were doing to hand around and take in the
performance, at least for a minute. 27 people gave money, most of them
on the run--for a total of $32 and change.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy.
His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid
stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and
the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action
was repeated by several other children.
All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

Bell afterward said that, "it was a strange feeling, that
people were actually, ah...ignoring me. At a music hall,
I'll get upset if someone coughs or it someone's cellphone goes off.
But here my expectation quickly diminished. I started to appreciate any
acknowledgment, even a slight glance up. I was oddly grateful
when someone threw a dollar instead of change."
This is from a man whose talent can command $1000 a minute.

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
-W.H. Davies, "Leisure"

British author John Lane writes about the lost of appreciation
for beauty in the modern world. This experiement at the Metro
station may be symptomatic of that, he said -- not because people
didn't have the capacity to understand beauty,
but because it was irrelevant to them.

If we can't take the time out of our lives to stay a moment and listen
to one of the best musicians on Earth play some of the best music
every written; if the surge of modern life so overpowers us that we
are deaf and blind to something like that--then what else are we missing?

{Story found here.}

Just a list.

I am really into these things right now:

Dress from downeastoutfitters.com, which just happens to be
out of stock. You can drool with me though.

Canon 24-105 lens. Sigh.

Kitchenaid Mixer.
Definitely would boost my kitchen environment.

It has to be this color. Definitely.

Crocs! Can you believe it? They would be heaven for my feet.
I love Forever 21 jewelry because it is cheap, cheap, cheap.
I can buy several necklaces and feel really, really, really good about it.

This man. He is pretty awesome.

Green/Red Smoothies

I've heard a lot about green smoothies lately and after joining
the health kick with overnight oatmeal, I thought I'd give it a whirl.
My smoothie didn't turn out so green--I like berries.
But it was yummy. And really great for me.
Spinach and berries, surprising.

It looked so pretty in my blender. And although it took awhile
for my little guy to blend it all up-- it was worth it.
I added a bit more berries because I wanted to mask the taste
of spinach, but I don't think you need it.

2 cups of Spinach
1 cup of mixed berries
frozen banana
a little water or juice

Here is a few other recipes that I'll be trying.

Enjoy!

I'm Human

I'm going to talk about regrets today.

I've got a lot of them. I'm only going to talk about two.

It's a little scary to advertise your flaws all over the
internet, but I feel that forgiveness and honesty are so great.
I've have found through blogging
(although there was a few months there where I dropped off)
that there is definitely something therapeutic about finding
those who struggle and are like you in some way and letting them
know you are listening. I found that having people tell me they've
felt that way before, or they wish they could give me a hug, or
they agree with a statement is such a HALLELUJAH moment for me.

And the big news is:
I've decided that the time has come for me to start liking myself.

And I have a few disagreements with myself that I really need to get over.
First of all, I'm going to stop whining. I know that this might take
awhile because I like getting stuck in my emotions and feeling justified in them.
But dwelling on the negative is very unpleasant for me to be around;
and its me I'm listening to!

Weight. I hate that word. I hate the guilt I feel after failing another day
at resisting all the little "extras" I put in my mouth.
It doesn't sound hard, really.
It is just dieting. Just watching what you put in your body. Math really.

The funny thing about weight is that if you have a little extra love, you
think about it first thing in the morning, you think about it during the day,
you think about it every time you put anything in your mouth, you think
about it when you go to sleep .... you get the picture. It is constantly pounding
away at your brain. It is a consistent guilt that nags and nags and nags.
Its a vicious cycle that leads you to more fatty snacks, more guilt,
and more weight. Cuz what does it matter if I eat that HoHo, I'm already
this way?
I've watched myself over the last few years, which have been stressful and
some of the hardest in my life, as I've put on the pounds.
I've convinced myself that 5 lbs isn't that much and I can deal with it.
I tell myself that's easy weight to lose.
I've found that there is no easy weight to lose and a lot of 5 lbs have
added on.

I know that I'm not obese, but I am not happy being the weight I am.
I'm uncomfortable with myself.
And I refuse to continue this cycle for the rest of my life.
I am shedding myself of pounds and guilt. I am going to start loving me.
I want to be happy in my skin. I want my confidence and self-esteem restored.
I've been working on it for about two weeks, with a guilty Canadian Tim Tam
Slam weekend in the mix, and I don't know if I've lost any. It is frustrating.
I'm not going to weight myself though. That motivation makes me depressed.
There is no easy way to do this. So I'm plugging away at eating less carbs,
more fruits, more veggies, and more activity.
Funny right after the Tim Tam Slam episode yesterday. I only had two.
Serious.
I'll keep you updated.
And I would love your stories, advice, and encouragement.

Divorced. My label. I find myself thinking about my failed marriage
a lot. I read books trying to understand what went wrong. They make me
wonder if things could have worked out differently. They make me ache
because I was the one that threw my hands up and walked away. They
make me feel flawed, piety, and untrustworthy.
I have someone I love dearly in my life now and I live with the guilt that
I've done something to betray them. That I'm not the person they deserve
nor want because dang it! look what I did. That if they really saw what
happened, if they really could understand me far more than what my
words say, they would leave.

I went to a counselor twice after it all. I wish I could have gone more, but
I didn't want to deal with the fact that I wasn't happy yet despite the fact
that I took drastic measures to change my situation. I mostly sat on her
couch and cried. But she said something to me that meant so much:

I have to stop living with "what if" and start living with "what now?"

In that room, sitting awkwardly on that couch I felt that my
Heavenly Father loved me. I felt a ray of hope. I know that there was
no happiness in my marriage. It is a dark time in my memory.
I was depressed. On the verge of suicidal, and I'm not being dramatic.
I know what I did was right for me.
Its been a bumpy road. And one that I'm not done traveling because
its left me terrified of marriage and sex. But looking back it is amazing
how much I've grown. There is no denying to myself that I'm much better.
I know that there will be a time that I will feel complete--once I get rid
of the little devilish guilt I feel inside.

I have to remind myself that I don't regret my marriage.
I don't.
I just don't recommend it.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to change.