Lo and Behold....

Every once in a while I feel that I am hiding my issues.
I started a blog to help me talk. And all I talk about is
light fluffy, insignificant things that make me wonder why
I have a blog.

I feel shallow sometimes when I'm thinking of things to write about.
I like focusing on the things that are making me happy now.
I like knowing that despite disappointment, judgment,
and thinking I am not the greatest example that I did the right
thing. For everyone involved. Him included.

But there is a lot of guilt that I still have to work through.
I am Kendra. I am 23 years old. I am LDS, Mormon, whatever
you call us. I believe in eternal marriage. Families Forever.
I got married in the Idaho Falls Temple on a beautiful day and...
And I am divorced.

I've wanted to explain so many times why I did what I did.
I have wanted to share the details.
I have wanted to share all the terrible instances.
I have wanted to make sure that you are all on my side, that
you understand what I did, why I did it, and agree with me that
it was the best decision. I have wanted a team of cheerleaders made up
of my blog members who validate me often.

But... I haven't wanted to point fingers.
I repeat to myself that it "Takes Two to Tango." That by pointing
fingers, I am saying that me, myself is guiltless. I know I'm not.
I've wanted to convince myself that by not talking about it on here
that I was healing and over it.

I feel so awful.

Really stupid.

I want to forget it.

I am really scared sometimes. I think of marriage and I want to
say never again. Yet, with my best friend being there for me, helping me,
caring for me, I wonder WHEN will he ever ask. I'm a yo-yo.
Scared, impatient, loving someone greatly, yet hesitant and anxious
that I really don't understand my feelings.

I find myself saying that my ex did this and my mister doesn't do
that. I find myself relieved that he is complete opposite of the man
I found myself still married to about a year ago.
Should I compare?
Is that unhealthy?
Should I be seeing someone?
Can I fix things with my own thoughts and God's help?
What if things change?
What if we fight?
What if he wakes up one day and decides that I am messed up in the head?
What if I can never stop thinking about him?

I stopped writing for a bit because I felt like such a fraud.
I want to be deep. I want to share my struggles. And I want
to be one that can help others. But looking at myself I thought
who is this girl that complains so much? I've never wanted to be
Debbie Downer. I don't want people to read this blog and see everything
that can go wrong in marriage. And I haven't wanted to dwell on it all.
It is easy to be light and fluffy.

Sometimes I just want to talk about it.

I want to repeat myself over and over.

And occasionally I find others who are going or have gone through
a similar situation and I want to shake their shoulders and ask them
are you confused too? Tell me what you think. Tell me what happened
to you. Talk to me. I want to know why.
Today is not one of my strong days. I want to shake shoulders.