The Wedding Day

I woke up thinking again today.
I hate waking up thinking. Sometimes it gets me really down.
I think about everything in my life and how it fits together
and where I am headed; it is scary and very frustrating.
I like organization. I like knowing I am doing the right thing.
And when I doubt myself, it is the worst feeling in the world.

Is it bad to think that the time I knew myself the most was
right after my divorce? I was so empowered. I felt so completely
free. I just knew that I would be okay. I knew that my Father
loved me and somehow I could hope again for the future and
that my life would be filled with happiness again.

I was so naive and immature stepping into marriage.
I truly felt I could fool myself into happiness.
All you needed was a glorious beginning. The age old saying
that "your wedding day will be the best day of your life" is
silly, silly, silly! Not to mention incredibly sad. That your relationship's
culminating experience is found on your wedding day is very
absurd notion.

Marriages make me sad now.
It seem that there is so much hype and not enough focus on the future.
Not enough planning for when things aren't always glorious.


After my marriage ceremony was finished and afterglow of everything
faded away, I was left in his hands. There was nothing between us
now that I could hide behind. I was simply his. And it scared me.
I was numb. I was sick. Crap. What was a suppose to do now?
My complete focus for months had been this day and I had done nothing
but ignore the future and my apprehensive feelings.
Now it stared blatantly at me, ready to shake me into reality.
What a brutal beating.

If and when and hopefully, when marriage wants to grace my door
again, I am going to do it so differently. Keep it small. Focus on what
really matters: your life together.
I don't want it to be the best day of my life.
I simply want it to be just a day. That's it.
I want each day afterward to be the focus of our energies.

The day you sacrifice your needs and wants to help your spouse.
The day you survive going through the budget together.
The day everything goes wrong and you can still look at each other
and know somehow it will work. And later you will laugh.
The day we decide to forget about how our parents did things and
do them our own way.
The day you know you can love each other despite the shortcomings
and weird habits that annoy the crap out of you.
I want to be able to say that I look forward to the spending every day
with him. And even when we fight, which is inevitable, it will still be
a good day because you still know you love each other.
I want the small things of each day to make that day the BEST day.
The wedding day should be the least best day of your life, because your love will
grow as you understand each other better. Maybe it would be okay to look
back on it as the day it started if you want...

Starting something as hard as marriage with lots of fanfare sets really high
expectations in my opinion. Personally, I want a huge party after five years.

And that day that I wake up not questioning or doubting, because
I see him by me, that day will be the best of days.